The league of extra, ordinary, gentle men?

The cricket season is about to start, and all fans must be waiting and watching with bated breath to see the effect of the new rules brought in by the ICC. Before I continue, let me clarify that I am no Madhav – he is the cricket guy in our Floo Network, and even though my practical knowledge of cricket is very much up there with the average cricket fan, I would not be able to give you statistics or the lesser-known details regarding cricket.

The last season was mostly forgettable for the Indian fan, where few positives other than “learning from their mistakes” were derived by the Indian team. Indeed, with the richest board in cricket today backing them, what could be the problem that ails the elite eleven?

Extra? The Indian squad is not just the fourteen players plus a coach, physiotherapist and manager any more. Many more state-of-the-art ‘weapons’ have been added to the arsenal. The proposed baggage? Sample this: A computer analyst. A psychologist. A physical trainer. An official bowling coach. An unofficial bowling coach (?). And, of course, a full-time coach and a physiotherapist. Well, the armory is definitely heavily stocked, but the bench strength, or indeed, even the repertoire of the existing players, leaves much to be desired.

Ordinary? Well, the performances of the team over the last year have definitely been ordinary, or in fact below par and potential. There may have been individual flashes of brilliance, but then, to repeat a cliché, we have to click as a team. From being the self-proclaimed second-best team (hey, we even celebrate being second-best!) in the world after the World Cup 2003, we have gone down to 7th or 8th in the rankings. But then, as a certain (and incorrigibly optimistic) Mr. Sidhu would say, “When you fall on your buttocks, the only way you can look is UP!”

Gentle? This has been a complaint since time immemorial. We purportedly get perturbed by sledging (or what Australian players prefer to call ‘talking’) and are meek, submissive players who get easily intimidated. But this has been replaced by assertiveness, aggression and a certain arrogant pride (in a good sense) under the leadership of Saurav Ganguly.

So, in effect, we have everything. So why do we have nothing? Sounds weird? What I mean is, all the extra baggage is bound to come in handy; we have players who can destroy the opposition almost single-handedly; and even in the mind games, we are pretty much up there. So why don’t we win tournaments? Why is it that we never seem to catch an opposition by the scruff of its neck and make them feel that it would be more worthwhile to take up marbles than face us again? Well, maybe it is time to ask the last question…

MEN??? Ah, well… just joking :-). Hey, in fact, no… they are not just men anymore… (Hold your horses, folks… read on before you jump to conclusions…!!!) Whatever happened to the much publicized integration of the Women’s Cricket Association of India with the BCCI?

Anyway, however the team performs, I, like any other Indian fan, shall be sitting and watching the next match, believing that we will win. (It is funny, isn’t it, that we watch cricket in the belief that we will win, not just hope, even after so many let-downs? Well, maybe there is a Sidhu in each of us!) I just hope the Saurav case, Sachin’s elbow and Bhajji’s doosra are sorted out by then. Or it will be left to us to sort the team out, eh?

Till next time.

"Nuggets of Wisdom" by Haristotle:
It seems to be the season for volte-faces. First an eminent politician makes some remarks about a late politician of another country, which are a complete about-turn from the former’s party’s stand. Then a country, which had been completely against another country 25 years back, is now actually making joint security efforts with that country. (Names withheld to protect identities and myself :-).) Well, here is a word that describes these acts aptly:

tergiversate v. change one’s party or principles; make conflicting or evasive statements.

Words from the wise:
"Er… We don’t know this guy."

Of an F1 farce and an Indian at Indianapolis

Much has been written and said about the last Formula 1 race that took place at Indianapolis. Only three teams - two of them being the weakest in F1 today - took the grid. So the real competition was only between the two Ferraris (with both the words "real" and "competition" in double quotes), and the outcome of the race could be predicted even before the five lights went out to mark the start of the race. Spectator interest in the race was, quite understandably, minimum; with many of them demanding that either the race be restarted with all the cars taking grid, or their $100 be refunded. Some even resorted to throwing bottles on the track. Commentators described the situation as 'surreal' and Schumacher's victory as 'hollow'.

For those who came in late, a quick overview: Ralf Schumacher crashed his Toyota heavily on the high-speed banked corner before the pit straight, on Friday practice. It was supposedly a tyre failure (it apparently deflated!), but Michelin, who supply tyres to seven of the ten F1 teams, including Toyota, could not pinpoint the fault. So they advised the seven teams not to race, owing to safety risks to drivers. In that case, the only teams to race would be Ferrari, Jordan and Minardi - the three teams to be supplied tyres by Goodyear. To avoid this situation, the seven teams on Michelin suggested that a chicane (safety barrier) be installed in order to slow the cars down. This was accepted by Jordan and Minardi, but opposed by Ferrari and the FIA. So finally, only six cars took the grid – a big, big blow for F1, which has been hoping to sell itself in the land of NASCAR. Thus, Ferrari, being the only team to oppose the chicane, has come in for a lot of flak for “not being sporting enough.”

Now the question is, is it really fair to blame Ferrari for the farcical race? It has been argued that given the situation, Ferrari should have compromised and allowed the chicane to be installed. But just take a look at some facts, and some events that have taken place over the last one year:

• Ferrari and Goodyear have been struggling throughout the year to get the right mix for tyres. Save for the San Marino and Canadian Grands Prix, their tyres have usually been of lower standard than Michelin (but mind you, THEY never whined). This was only the third time in nine races that they got it right, and indeed, the first time where their tyres were actually better than Michelin. In such a case, why would they let up their chance to dominate the track?
• It is the responsibility of the tyre-maker to provide good tyres, and the responsibility of the team and its drivers to ensure safety. Goodyear and Ferrari got it right; the others didn’t – as simple as that! So, why penalise Ferrari for that?
• The teams wanted a chicane to reduce speed. Instead of that, they could have simply asked their drivers to go slow at the spot. Why insist on a chicane? Do the best with what you have, instead of trying to extend your disadvantage to other teams.
• True, Jordan and Minardi may have agreed to the chicane despite being on Goodyear tyres. But then you have to take into account that even without the chicane, their maximum speed would be well below that of the other cars. A chicane would actually help them, since the other cars would run slower but they themselves wouldn’t need to, being on Goodyear tyres. Ferrari was the only top-notch team on better tyres.
• The most important question here, though, is whether the seven teams on Michelin would have done the same for Ferrari. As far as they are concerned, Ferrari is the team to beat. Ferrari is the team that has been targeted by FIA for being the best in the business. There have been many rule changes in the light of the Ferrari dominance of Formula 1. With many drivers, it has been a case of “If you can’t join them, lick them” situation!!! So, there really was no question of Ferrari compromising its stand.

The bottom-line is, it really is unfair to target Ferrari. Their stand was even backed by the FIA, which disagreed with the idea of a chicane. Asking for a mechanism to reduce ALL cars’ speeds is as good as (or as bad as!) saying, “We have bad tyres. So you too should drive as if you have bad tyres!”

Meanwhile, Narain Karthikeyan must have enjoyed his first points in F1. So what if he couldn’t finish on the podium! So what if there were only six cars! Five points are exactly that – five points! To get them, he had to finish the race (in a car that doesn’t handle too well, I might add) and beat the other two cars. In fact, he might have got more or less the same result even if the other cars had run – because bad tyres might have forced them to retire! Anyway, to use a cricketing term, at least he won’t get out for a duck!

Till next time.

"Nuggets of Wisdom" by Haristotle:
I recently realized that our body has a close connection to comedy and humor. We all know about the funny-bone – it is a part of the elbow over which a very sensitive nerve passes. Do you know about the humerus? It is the bone extending from the shoulder to the elbow. Of course, the word is a homonym of ‘humorous’, and has nothing to do with humor!

Words from the wise:
"Ha, ha."

Who Am I? - Part 2

I took another test! This time the test was by nerdtests.com, and it measured my "nerdiness quotient". Here are the results:

Reminiscences

“It is with a heavy heart that I take up my pen to write these words.”
        - Dr. John. H. Watson in The Final Problem by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Now that our final exams are over, a tinge of sadness has crept in. I realize that my college life has finally come to an end. My job, in all probability, will start next month, and I shall be leaving behind old friends and acquaintances - people whom I have spent years with, sharing jokes, secrets, lunch boxes, assignments, presentations, practicals and many other things. Actually, to tell you the truth, the first thought that came into my mind as I finished my last exam was “Whew! Finally!”. I had spent three years doing a diploma in computer engineering, and three more in degree seemed to be too long. But as another chapter in my life comes to an end, I realize that my time spent in SPCE is full of memories – most of them fond, some unpleasant; but all of them vivid. As the curtains fall on my college life, I look back at my three years in SPCE.

The very first thing that comes to mind is the admission muddle for us diploma-holders. We had to go to Aurangabad for our centralized admission procedure; and as we reached there, we came to know that there was some problem with the computerized process (which was being introduced for the first time in 2002), due to which admissions were postponed for a few days, and so we left back for Mumbai. As soon as we reached here, the next day we read in the newspapers that the problem was sorted out, and so we left again for Aurangabad, wondering how many times we would have to go back and forth like a tennis ball! Fortunately, this time the whole procedure went off smoothly without a hitch. And that was where I met my first classmate – Kalpana – who was staying in the same hotel as me. It was another of my friends, Ruchita, who introduced us to each other.

Once I joined SPCE, I found out (to my huge relief, I might add) that the crowd over here was much more cosmopolitan than my diploma crowd… and I was happy to see “Mallus” too amongst them – Shrijit Plapally, Kalpana and the incorrigible Shamsher. However, at first I rather had the idea that we were not very welcome – the class was rather reluctant to accept new faces in the second year. And the last straw came when a possibility that people might have to change their batches because of us, reared its head. “Split the diploma people, I don’t want to change my batch!” was the general outburst. In the end, this opinion prevailed; people retained their batches and everyone cooled down. Finally, we all jelled together; and after the initial ragging-and-stuff, we were accepted. As Madhav puts it, “New faces grew into new friends…” And Aditya Mishra, Amit and Prateek were the new people in my “circle of trust”.

Feeling Corny: Me, Aditya M, Amit and Dinesh

A huge shock I got in S.E. (diploma-holders were directly admitted to second year) was during my first Maths lecture. As soon as ma’m entered the class, what does the class do but lift their collective backs and carry them out of the class! If ma’m was astonished, I was stunned! Astounded! Flabbergasted! One could have knocked me down with half a feather! After the mass exodus, the only people remaining in class were us diploma-holders and – no marks for guessing this one – Suhas!

Another thing that struck me was the number of college festivals and related activities – Nirmaan, Technobreak, SPACE, Bhavaspandhan, Freshies’ welcome… the list was endless…!! And the talent was amazing in our class – Prachi, Shamsher “Snake” Ali, Dikshita, Neha Ghate, Ajay… another endless list…!! In the festivals, I particularly liked the hierarchy of FE’s as volunteers, SE’s as organizers, TE’s as coordinators and BE’s as just participants (and mostly the winners too!). I tried my hand at organizing too – Word Quiz – and realized that the Technical Team wasn’t always to be trusted. It is best to be self-dependent.

Speaking of self-dependence, it was generally lost during assignments, practicals and experiments. Here I must mention a certain Rahul Gangan – what would we have done without him! Or Vidyalankar! And, of course, how can I forget my first exams in degree… hoping and praying to pass, half-expecting to fail! Finally we all managed to do well and secure a First Class! And I realized the importance of that magical figure 40 in an engineer’s life (though fortunately I never the exact figure)… something that diploma didn’t teach us.

All for one, one for all: Sumeet M, Rahul L and Me

T.E. loomed as soon as S.E. faded away. Subjects began to get more specialized, and workload definitely increased. GRE was at hand and people were anxiously memorizing flash cards, even during lectures, practicals and, of course, free periods (which were about as rare as a head cold!). Rahul Lele, Sumeet Maru and Dinesh were the new entrants to my friends’ circle. By now I had got quite used to the idea of bunking lectures (in fact I wanted to bunk more lectures than I attended!), putting proxies and sitting on the back benches. I had “changed for the good(!)”.

One clear memory I have of T.E. is waiting till 8:45 in the evening to set up Kalbande sir’s Wireless Laboratory for our Computer Networks practicals… and I topped in CN that semester ;-). But the high came when I had the honor of being joint-topper with Shamsher in Digital Signal Processing in the 7th semester (a fact he constantly reminds me of!)

B.E. was by far the most fun. It began with placements and projects. CAT and CET were around the corner. People found out new, innovative and amusing ways to bust stress. The sudden flourishing of various groups in our class (where do they get such names!) was rather… er… unique! Haga group, Talli group, Dibba group, Photo group, Good-for-Nothing (?) group, Kulti group… I don’t think you’d find them in any other college. The sudden flurry of cameras, digicams and handicams in the last year was also fun, although it gave one the feeling that it was all coming to an end.

The lass and the lasso: With Kalpana

My friendship with Kalpana also increased in B.E., especially after a joint DSP session. Well, if the friendship increased, then the teasing increased exponentially… but it was fun all the same.

Can you spot me?: Fourth from right, standing

The Goa trip was definitely the highlight of B.E. The whole trip – including the to and fro journeys – was amazing. Seeing the place where St. Francis was laid to rest – and hearing about how his remains came to be preserved in India – was illuminating, since my school was named after him, but in the 12 years that I spent there (including kindergarten), I never knew much about him. We also learnt a lot of new things about our friends (Psst… Sumeet snores! And Rahul Lele is OBSESSED with his sleep! And many of those purportedly ‘single’ girls really aren’t so!), and tried a lot of new things as well… water-sports, paragliding, and other stuff which I needn’t mention!

Jarring music?: Entertaining people with my mouth-organ in Goa

After our exams, there were the usual photo sessions, lunch at Vrindavan and a movie later. And some discussions about those who will be leaving shortly for either their jobs or their higher studies. The feelings are indeed mixed – we are leaving behind old friends, but looking forward to new, exciting prospects and avenues. No one knows where we will land up a few years from now. I wish my friends and peers ALL THE VERY BEST! The future may seem to be hazy, but I am sure it is bright! And as I look back, I realize that the last three years weren’t so long after all! This is one chapter that will remain etched in my memory long after it is scripted – a chapter that, though written only once, I would like to read over and over again.

Till next time.

It isn't fat, it's muscle!

So, fat people are up in arms against the world. They resent being teased by every Tom, Dick and Harry who bumps into them. And they are trying to convince the world that being fat is actually good for you. Well, being fat definitely does have some advantages:

• For one, it adds some diversity to our society. Imagine a world where human culture is anorexia.
• Another advantage is that they are already prepared for famine… If ever there is a food shortage, they have all the fat in their bodies to burn up before there is a dearth of energy in their bodies.
• One of the greatest advantages, of course, is that they are exceedingly hard to kidnap! I mean, imagine Arshad Warsi trying to conk Adnan Sami in the head and trying to stuff him into a 5-foot gunny bag in Munnabhai M.B.B.S.!
• They are endearing! Santa Claus wouldn’t be half as fun if he were as thin as a rake. How would his belly shake like jelly when he laughed?
• Everyone knows that an opera isn’t over until the fat lady sings. Not the thin, short, small, tall, plump or slim lady… it has to be the fat lady.
• For the opposite sex, there is so much more to go around!
• They are bulletproof! I once read somewhere that a fat man was shot and the bullet got stuck in the layers of fat under his skin. Who needs bulletproof vests when you can be fat?
• They can have competitions that thin people can’t: Whose belly is bigger, better and fatter?
• They are always picked last for sports and first in the buffet line!
• They always have more personal space in crowded buses. You know, a jolt could cause them to lose balance and fall on you. So why take chances? Give them their space. Better be safe than sorry.
• And finally, of course, it is so much better to be full than empty…

Meanwhile, some scientists claim that curvier women live longer than thin women. Ha, nice try! But think they’ll fall for it?

Till next time.

"Nuggets of Wisdom" by Haristotle:
It is quite common knowledge that the adjective form of 'night' is 'nocturnal'. However, and rather strangely at that, not many people know the adjective form of 'day'. It is 'diurnal'. The adjective form of 'week' is 'hebdomadal'. 'Intercalary' is the adjective form for a day or a month inserted in the calendar to harmonize it with the solar year (e.g. 29th February). It is also the adjective form for a year having such an addition.

Words from the wise:
"It seems you have a lot of 'time' on your hands!"

Engineering for Dummies

Engineering exams are finally over. Also, HSC results have been declared. It is rather interesting to note that both these events occurred within a day of each other. While one class of people is celebrating the end of a hectic four years, another will be getting ready for the rigors of the same.

Of course, every course has its fun moments also. But engineering does have the knack of taking the color out of life, too. An engineer can make a perfectly pleasant word sound as dull as ditchwater. Here’s a look at how some feel-good terms can go sour:

Orb:
A romantic: A full moon night (Sigh!)
An engineer: Object Request Broker

Crisp:
A child: Cookies!
An engineer: Cross-Industry Standard Process

Cookies:
The same child: Yummy!
An engineer: A mechanism by means of which a server can keep track of old (returning) clients

Hits:
Shah Rukh Khan: I would like to thank the producer, the director, my family, my spot boy, my dog…
An engineer: Hyperlink-Induced Topic Search

Agent:
A movie buff: The bad guy in Matrix
An engineer: An autonomous process that is capable of reacting to and initiating changes in its environment

Stream:
The above romantic: A Sunday picnic by the gurgling water… (More sighs)
An engineer: A method of sending media (audio/video) files over a network where the media is either live or…

Ann:
Bob: My girlfriend
An engineer: Artificial Neural Networks

Birch:
The above child: My tree-house
An engineer: Balanced Iterative Clustering and Reducing Using Hierarchies

Cure:
A doctor: Well, what can I say…
An engineer: Clustering Using representatives

Fat:
Prof. Sherman Klump: Call me that once again and I will sock your head!
An engineer: File Allocation Table

Well, one can come up with many more such terms; it could be a whole new dictionary in itself. Anyway, I did have fun while I was at S.P.C.E. Here’s wishing all aspiring engineers all the very best in their endeavor.

Till next time.

"Nuggets of Wisdom" by Haristotle:
"I don't know nothin'." While this sentence sounds incorrect to a purist, it is usually taken in the correct sense ("I don't know anything.") and is pardoned as bad grammar. What is immediately discernible about the sentence, though, is the use of a double negative. In almost all languages in the world, a double negative means a positive. There are some languages, like Russian and Serbian (both being Slavic languages), in which a double negative is still a negative, and a single negative is an error! However, there are no languages in which a double positive is a negative.

Words from the wise:
"Yeah, right."

Who am I? - Part 1

I recently took a blogger-quiz on blogthings.com to know how i would be classified as a blogger. Here are the results I got:

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What kind of blogger are you?

The Ballad of Brother Braveheart

Years ago in a corner of the earth
A child was born in a moment of mirth;
The journey of life was about to start,
And they named him Brother Braveheart.

The ride wasn't exactly smooth,
With adversities he fought nail and tooth;
Dreaming of making it big one day
And driving all his problems away.

With joy he landed his first job,
A petrol pump attendant, he was part of the mob.
But he still dreamed of making it big,
One day he would have his own oil rig.

He was a yarn trader for quite some time,
But his time hadn't yet reached its prime;
He had the aim and he had the will,
One day he would have his own mill.

Then Lady Luck finally smiled;
He formed the Alliance, his brainchild;
And saw it go from strength to strength
And cover the nation's breadth and length.

In the meantime, he married and had
Two bundles of joy - he became a dad!
He named one Zero and the other Face-Hair;
One day they would succeed his chair.

Then a stroke cost him the use of a hand,
But the Alliance, by then, was really grand.
Single-handedly he expanded it even more,
And sweet were the fruits his efforts bore.

But life is a cycle, it begins and ends;
In the smallest moment, a home apart it rends.
Sobs and sniffles, tears and sighs,
All regretted Brother Braveheart's demise.

The Alliance was now headed by Face-Hair and Zero,
Both of them hoped to emulate their hero
And eliminate their father's only grouse:
"We need a mobile phone in every house!"

All was well for the first few days,
Then both began to see separate ways;
And it all began to fall apart,
Roots of differences began to start.

Trust gave way to suspicion and doubt;
"Who has more power and more clout?"
'T would have shattered Brother Braveheart's dreams
To see his sons head two different teams.

But did they care? Not at all!
Until the fight became a public brawl.
Ownership conflicts and leadership battles,
It was crammed with tales and tattles.

It was high time to abate the debate,
Or the Alliance would be destroyed at this rate!
So they thought, "Something should be tried!"
And they asked their mom, "Can you decide?"

That didn't work out, so they still fight,
With no solution yet in sight!
The story hasn't yet come to a close;
What end it will come to, nobody knows!

Meanwhile, a message - to the Billas and the Lodis:
"Money is the root of all evil" - Hope you know this!

Keep in rhyme
Till next time!

"Nuggets of Wisdom" by Haristotle:
This is for all those who haven't yet appeared for CAT: You don't give an exam - you take it.

Words from the wise:
"We prefer the first: '... appear for...'!"